No meat to eat…

Do you know how hard it is to write and/or focus on anything when you’re worried about $$MONEY$$???

Last night, we had beans for dinner.. the night before? A box of kraft mac n cheese. I know I shouldn’t be complaining… I mean, at least we had something to eat, right? There are people out there with no food. I know that. But, I have two growing teenager girls and we are lucky if we get to eat meat once a week.

How did we get stuck in this shitty situation? Well, I’d tell you the cautionary tale if I thought it could help you to prevent it from happening to you. But, the sad fact is… there is no avoiding said situation.

We are living on a fixed income b/c I got sick.. very sick and was told I could no longer work. I was spending, at least a week out of every month in the hospital. Because of this, I was a horrible teacher and a horrible mother and my doctors said that if I kept pushing myself, I would end up dead before 35. I didn’t want to leave my daughters that young. So, I made a choice to leave my passion (teaching) and finally take care of myself so that I could take better care of my girls and be around as long as possible.

As mentioned in earlier posts… I was also escaping some serious family abuse in MD, so for that and educational/financial reasons, I packed the girls up and moved to WV. Now that we live here… At first.. it was perfect.. we had our dream home and everyone was happy.

Until…. the first thing that went wrong was that my sisters husband figured out a way to get close to me again. He made my sister ask me to watch her kids… I would do anything for my little sister and my niece and nephew. So, of course I said yes… even though they were dropping off the kids Sunday night and picking them up on Friday night… I didn’t care. Unfortunately, my 25-year-old ex boyfriend that I moved here with and all friends had here were connected through him… he did mind the fact that we basically had 4 kids now… lacking sleep and sanity (her kids were only 3 months old and 2 years old at the time) so… we basically went from having 2 pre-teen girls that were super well behaved and involved heavily w/ cheer (giving us lots of alone time together) to now having 4 kids… and the girls started acting up and fighting for the attention that the new babies were getting.

Oh, and lest me forget to tell you.. my ex also knew about the abuse I had suffered at the hands of my sisters husband. So, he was especially pissed that I would agree to help them in any way. As an only child, he couldn’t understand how or why I would put my own safety at risk to help my little sister. I spent the better part of the year, trying to convince my sister to leave her husband (and my moms basement) and gently tell her to come stay with me and the girls. One night, she stayed the night and I almost told her the truth… until… a fight broke out between us and she brought up a bunch of stuff I had done to her as a teenager and how she would never forgive me for any of that. I tried to tell her about her husband and she literally put her fingers into her ears like a 7 year old Child and said, “I’m not listening”

My ex pulled me onto the balcony and said he could tell that her husband had already convinced her I was the bad guy and all I would do by telling her is lose her and the kids forever. His advice was sound….. because…

Two weeks later, HE showed up while I was watching his kids… he had done this a few times before.. but, he usually told me & I would make sure I let one or both of the girls stay home from school the days he would come. However, it had been 9 months of watching the kids full-time (if you can even call it that.. more like OVERtime) and he knew everyone’s schedule well. He showed up, unexpectedly early one morning… The girls had just left for school and my ex wasn’t home from his night shift yet.

This… was probably the worst of the assaults because 1) it hadn’t happened in so long.. I truly wasn’t expecting it 2) his kids… were right outside my bedroom door crying to be let in… they knew their father was hurting me… they knew something wasn’t right… and 3) I had enough.. and I told him as much.. I said it was the last time and that I was going to tell my sister…. so….

He responded with… the very next day, he called me in the morning and said.. you will not threaten me… if you ever threaten me again… you will never see your niece and nephew again… later that day… my sister came and picked her kids up and told us to pack all of their things.. it would be the last time they stayed there for a while.

When they left.. I sobbed in the bathroom because I knew that they would never stay there again.. not like that.. and that if I told anyone… I would never see them again.

From here, the story gets worse… and I understand if you want to move on to the next blog because this one is just far too depressing.. I get it… I can barely stand to write it… it sucks.. I know.

A few months after they stopped staying with us, our luck took a turn for the worse. I got bit by a spider on my deck and due to my horrible immune system… it was a very, very bad health situation that almost took my leg and my life. In the process (during months of repeated surgeries, wound vacs and PICC lines) my ex and I grew even further apart. He eventually moved out and because he was young and didn’t want to seem like an ass for leaving while I was sick, he made up all kinds of lies to justify why he moved out. I didn’t have the strength or energy to care or try to tell anyone my side. I knew he was saying horrible things b/c I lost all of the mutual friends I had made since we moved.

I knew the rumor mill had circulated our small town to the fullest degree the day our landlord showed up and said she was on a mission to kick us out (claiming some random loop-hole in the lease about not cleaning/maintaining the air conditioner and other random loopholes she put in place for these situations ~ where she just decided she no longer wanted to lease to a certain person) I spoke to a lawyer and he said I could absolutely stay there because she had no right to kick us out this way. However, I was sick and scared and did what most people do in these situations… something I should know better than to do… I turned to my family.

My family wanted us out of that beautiful townhome as much as our landlord, but for different reasons. They never thought a stay-at-home mom (aka “slacker” aka “loser”) deserved to live in such a big house. Of course, I didn’t know or see this then… I trusted them… I always hoped for the best when it came to my family.

They promised me and the girls that if we trusted them.. and let them move us out of there… they would help us BUY our first home, finally, saving us tons of money. How could I turn down an offer like that? I’d be stupid. So, I put all of our belongs (actually we could only fit HALF of our belonging into a storage unit and we moved. We quickly moved into this tiny, tiny ass old house with the promise we would only be here for a few months.

Well, it’s been 3 years.. and we are still paying $1000 a month for a tiny house, in a bad neighborhood (literally have crackhead neighbors beside us and a broken down trailer as our front yard view) the electricity only works in half the house… yet, there is no central air so even though our bedrooms don’t have power… the window air units and baseboard heaters… leave the electricity bill between 2-3 hundred every month.

We barely make ends meet each and every month… But, we do.. .we do make it.. so, I shouldn’t complain. Oh but wait.. I almost forgot.. it gets worse….

The reason I am here now… finally spilling the beans about all of this and finally revealing my secret and hoping that in doing so.. .I am able to heal…

We have completely lost our family… my mom is so brainwashed by my brother-in-law now.. that she won’t even help the girls in the tiny way’s she was helping them before.

We never ASK her for anything… I know better than that… but, she always offers to do little things for them… like take them back-to-school shopping and pay for their cheer/dance fees.

This past Easter… while my daughter was crying b/c she missed her niece and nephew so much… tensions were rising at the family gathering. My sister told my daughters, “when you move out of your moms house, you can see the kids as much as you want, b/c there’s something ‘wrong’ with your mother” & basically told all of the kids that sleepovers were ‘never’ going to happen again.

As I tried to tell the kids to stop asking because I heard my sister and mother tell them “never again”… her husband yelled at me to “shut the fuck up.. stop lying and starting shit.. no one said this” of course… my sister didn’t bother telling him/anyone that she had said this… worse… my mother got in my face and started yelling at me too…

the crazy part.. is that everything she was screaming at me was complete bullshit and I was glad my daughters finally got to see the insanity and biased way I grew up. My mother is obviously so disappointed in my sister… (still living at home.. never using the college degree that SHE paid for while my student loans were taken from my disability checks, preventing me from finishing my PhD program bc I owed the school so much money) that she subconsciously decided to take it all out on me.

Post-Easter… she actually said to me, “I’m worried you care too much about your daughters.. we are ‘all worried’ that after they move out you’re going to kill yourself”

This sentence stung for two reasons… 1) it proved that I will never make my mom happy.. she’s disappointed in me b/c I’m too good of a mom?? So, I know that relationship is done… I am completely done trying to please a woman that I will never please… when I was working hard and making myself sick… she told me I was working too hard and I needed to slow down… when the doctors told me I HAD to go on disability, she told me “everyone” would think I was a loser (who she meant was herself) and now… that I have two amazing teenage daughters… one who just graduated HS and is going to a University in a few months on FULL RIDE… now, I’m “too dedicated” to my daughters… hey… mom… FUCK YOU!!

This sentence also broke my heart b/c I knew just how deeply HE had infected her…. He use to tell me.. when it first began.. if I ever told anyone… that he would kill me and make it look like a suicide and no one would think twice. I never understood that… anyone that knows me… really knows me.. KNOWS that I would NEVER leave my daughters!! I have been on the brink of death more than any mother should ever have to be… and each and every time…. I fought so hard for my life because I know my daughters need me… I know I am all they have… I would never… and I also never thought anyone close to me would think I would… so…..

yeah…. he has already convinced my mother that I am suicidal… who’s next??? YOU…..?? Well, that’s why I’m here…. to let you know.. yes, my life (finically) sucks… but, I have two amazing daughters and I know that without me… their life would suck 10 fold more… so ….. I …. would….. never… ever…. leave them!!!

Point being?? If I die…. after I tell my story to the world… look closely at … HIM!!! Please!!