Proof in the pudding…

The access to google has made the job of a writer more difficult than any other time in history. Prior to holding the entire World Wide Web in the palm of our hands, writers had the unique ability to teach readers something new through the entertaining stories of fiction. (ie~”proof in the pudding”~ is not the saying we all think it is… the actual saying is proof OF pudding and it refers to the difficult process of making pudding & if accomplished, you’d have major bragging rights)

Henceforth… my proof and my pudding?? My daughters!!

I’ve recently been “forbidden” from seeing my niece and nephew “forever”. Yes, the same kiddos that I was basically asked to raise when they were babies b/c my sister just “couldn’t handle the whole stay-at-home mom thing with two babies” I was asked to watch them Sunday night through Friday night for an entire year. Therefore, they have a very special bond with me… all four of our kids have a special bond with one another… and I obviously love them as much as I do my own children.

I know why HE doesn’t want me near them anymore… Now that the girls (and his kids) are older… there is no way/chance for us to be alone anymore…. so, there is no reason bring them here. There is nothing in it for him… therefore, it’s just not worth the effort. However, I do not know why or how my mother and sister justify keeping the kids from me?

I am, obviously, a very good mother. My eldest daughter just graduated high school, got accepted and got a full ride to a UNIVERSITY!! *Something my sister couldn’t even do after my mom spent 40k on private HS. Maybe that’s it?? Maybe they are jealous? My kids are doing so great… they are teenagers and they are so well behaved. They get good grades in school.. neither have ever been in trouble inside or outside of school. We all have a great relationship with one another. They talk to me about everything. So…

Why wouldn’t they want that type of influence around their children? Every time they spent a weekend or week here (when their parents are on vacation) I made a special effort to help them learn to read or practice math skills. They love spending time here because I give them my undivided attention and love. Something which, I know, is lacking in College Park with 3 adults under the same roof with them.

They cry when it’s time to go home, not only because they love us, but because they never know how long it’ll be before they see us again. They get in trouble for crying and even spanked… which breaks my heart… AND… in addition to the “*Gun in my Mothers Home”(*prior post) another way HE has changed and brainwashed my mother is how she allows him to spank them! When the girls were little, she didn’t even let my ex husband YELL at the girls… I can’t even imagine what she would have done if I told her they were being spanked for being SAD!!!

I really hope that this journey… this book and this blog… open up the eyes of my mother and my sister, in the process of me spilling my heart and soul out with each stroke of a key… but, at the very least… I know that someday… (sooner than they realize) the kids will be old enough to know the truth… and I know they will remember all of this heart break and being taken from their “Aunt ZZ” and they will never forgive their parents or their grandmother if the situation isn’t remedied asap!!

To my sister,

Those kids need me in their lives.. the proof is in the pudding… do you want them raised like my daughters? To grow up and become like my daughters?? Or.. do you want them raised in College Park.. the way I was raised and have them turn out like ME?? (You know… that girl you hate so much that you still hold me accountable for her sins??) I wonder if you even realize that every time we fight… every reason you have for being mad at me or calling me crazy… every “bad” thing I have ever done in my life was when I was a CHILD.. a TEEANGER under the same roof which you are now raising your kids?? I was the responsibility of our mother!! If my daughters were acting out and doing the things that I did, back then, would you not blame me and ask what I was doing wrong to have teenagers so out of control??

However, since the moment I felt my daughters heart beat in my belly… I instantly GREW UP.. put her first… every single second since.. I have been a good mother, a good daughter and especially a good sister.. to you and your children… even whilst suffering the abuse, manipulation, fear and violent attacks from your husband… I suffered it all in silence.. keeping it to myself in hopes of protecting your family and your children … but, now I’m wondering.. why? Did I make a mistake?? and… if so… how do I fix it now?? How do I make this right??

The sad part… when it all began… HE told me that I could never tell you, because you would never believe me.. HE knew that he was so good at manipulating you and making you hate me… at pretending like he hated me too… that if the day ever came when I found the courage to tell you the truth.. that you would brush it off and ignore me… blame me… shame me….. and… sadly… I know that is exactly what will happen.

He also threatened me with the children and told me if I ever said anything, to anyone.. I would never see the kids again… well, guess what?? That has already happened… so…. fuck it… I’m no longer suffering in silence!! I’m telling my story.. I’m writing my book and I tried to write it in a fictionalized “based on a true story” format… But, the publishers want a memoir..

now, I’m faced with a serious decision to make… do I hide my identity and publish the book under a pen-name?? If that would mean I get to see the kids again… if my kids get their family back… then, sure… I would do that FOR YOU… However, if you are going to ignore me… block me… and continue to keep the kids from us… then, why wouldn’t I publish MY book, MY story, under MY real name???

I hope you make the right decision and for once…. do what’s best for your kids… and for yourself for that matter… you know you are living with a monster… and when you come to grips with that and you are ready to move forward with your standstill life, literally still living at home with your mom… I will be here for you…. just like I always have been!! I just need to know your decision soon because I only have 8 more weeks before I have to send my editor the memoir.

ps~ I love you… and I am, truly sorry for not telling you the truth sooner… I did try