Why is that I can write, on here… for nearly a year… all of this horrible stuff about myself, my life and my family and what I am going through right now & I hear absolutely nothing from the people who I actually know & are, obviously, reading this….. However, the minute I post something positive happening for me and the girls, we have an insane week of people, both near and far, coming out of the woodwork trying.. in no uncertain terms.. to ruin our forward progression!?!??
Why?? That I cannot answer… I will never know why certain people continue to try and bring us down.. however, that which I can answer is The Who, what, when … and most importantly HOW I am going to handle it this time!!?
So, let’s start with Monday.. Monday morning.. I put my pride aside and, for my daughters, I invited my mother to come celebrate Christmas Eve at our new home since the family cancelled the annual tradition of gathering because of the chaos that broke out on Easter this year, at which point.. she informed me that “someone” told her about this blog and my book & demanded that I make a public apology and say that the whole thing is a lie. When I attempted to tell her that, in fact, the man she has living in her basement (now indefinitely) had raped me and it’s the root cause of why he started the fight on Easter and why he’s keeping the kids away from me… her response… and I “shit you not” (to take one of my mother’s favorite quotes) was to say… and I quote, “stephanie, how many people have you slept with?” As if… my (consensual) sexual history could/would determine whether or not I had been or deserved to be raped… I can’t say I’m surprised by this response.. at all.. in fact.. it’s exactly how the mother responded when she finds out in the fictional version of the book.. the one I wrote before the publishers asked me to turn it into a memoir.
The only thing worse than being sexually assaulted is the blow that comes from victim blaming and shaming.. especially by family… I wish I could say that predicting her response made it sting less.. but, I’d be lying & I made a promise when my eldest was in my belly to NEVER lie… never lie to my family and never lie to my children.. I grew up in so many lies and hush, hushes that I made a vow to my children to raise them in honesty and I have kept that promise and they know that!
But… my mother.. accusing me of lying.. and/or directly insinuating that I asked for it.. . It hurts.. very badly. It is this dismissal of my abuse, when I was little, that caused me to turn my childhood trauma into repeated sexual misconduct throughout my entire adolescence.. when my mother brushed my molestation under the rug.. she told me that I deserved it.. In fact… when she blamed me for putting myself in that position in the first place.. she told me that I was asking for it to begin with.. I always thought that it was innuendo that I was receiving from her & perhaps she didn’t ever mean to convey those messages.. but.. Monday.. fucking Monday.. she told me that is exactly what she thinks of me..
She thinks I do deserve this type of abuse?? In fact, I probably asked for it.. well, fuck her.. she’s dead to me.. and considering how much we’ve moved forward in her absence this year.. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for us with her gone forever.. (or at least until she is no longer under the mental control and manipulation of the monster in her basement) only great things….. Of this, I am sure)
So, the only silver lining in this horrible … no gut wrenching moment with my mother… I finally came up with the title for my memoir
Dirty. Little. Whore.
The true story about what it’s like growing up to be a young woman in America .. how you are responsible for everything that happens to your body.. including when you are molested as a child.. causing you to become super promiscuous & then, truly taking the blame, shame and consequences when you are raped as an adult b/c.. well, when you are a slut.. you are asking for it.. am I right??
Annnnywayyyy… on to the next day… because when it rains.. it fucking pours in my life…
… because of this blog and the ONE picture I posted of my new view.. someone from my past.. obviously associated with my old landlord.. figured out where we were moving and called our new landlord to try and start that same old lie she told after we moved out… now, many of you may not know the whole story b/c at the time.. I had a PICC line in my arm and wound vac on my leg and I was so sick and tired from being forced to move So fast for absolutely No reason.. that I didn’t bother to fight the many rumors that were spiraling after our move… but, to make a long story short.. our old landlord was so obsessed with us and psychotic that she was doing everything in her power to make us look like bad people.. I mean, perhaps she was just trying NOT to look like an asshole for kicking out a sick, single mother who had paid her rent (over 1.3k a month) on time … every single month for NO reason!?! But.. the lengths she went to were INSANE!!
This woman… took all the trash bags we had loaded and put into the garage (yes.. we had to leave them in the garage b/c we had LESS than 14 days to move out of a 3 story townhome completely by ourselves) but, she took the garbage bags out of the garage.. carried them up 3 flights of stairs and dumped them all over the house just to post pictures of the house trashed & make us look bad!? The amount of extra work she gave herself just to save face.. well, it was scary to be honest.. not only that.. she started showing up at my daughters schools, randomly volunteering even though her son was a toddler and my daughters were in HS and MS.. walking around and whispering in parents ears and pointing to my daughters.. right in front of them.. making them feel scared and bullied.. by an adult.. at their own schools!?!
So… now that (more than 3 years later) she is resurfacing and trying, once again to make us look bad & prevent us from moving on.. from moving up in the world.. the girls are terrified. It may be time for a restraining order.. b/c this is crazy!!!
I’m just so grateful that our new landlord is giving us the chance to Prove that we are not the people/tenants that this woman is claiming we are, which will be easy b/c we are not… our townhome home was perfectly clean for 3 years… we had neighbors over all the time & we paid rent each and every month exactly on time!! In fact, I have an email from our old landlord written less than 30 days before she kicked us out, stating that we were “great tenants for the last 3 years.. she had never had better tenants than us” and then out of absolutely no where… probably based on rumors she had heard from my ex boyfriend and his friends.. she decided to find loopholes in the lease to quickly kick us out with no place to go and less than 14 days to do so!!
Whether our haters can accept it or not… our lives are getting better and better.. this has been an amazing year for us.. my eldest daughter graduated HS and began college.. my little one is working now and making nearly 800 bucks a month @15 years old!! And… I finished a mother-fucking BOOK… a book that helped me to heal and start to move forward again.. a book that a publisher actually wants to buy!! And… all of the aforementioned actually gave me the courage to take an amazing opportunity to move… even though the move seemed impossible with no men in our lives.. no male friends.. no family.. just me and the girls… but, guess what.. we did it.. we fucking moved to a bigger.. better home.. on a beautiful property with a family that has given us the perfect ending for this amazing year… so.. to all you haters reading this post.. suck it!! Seriously.. suck on your jealousy & bite your hate all you want.. 2018 was an amazing year for us & 2019 is going to be even better!! We’ve done all these amazing things with no support and now that I have broke my silence and started to move forward.. I can let people into my life and my heart again.. so, if we did all of this on our own.. I can only imagine what we can do with some family and friends and maybe even a partner by my side 😉
No more drama in my life… as Mary J Says so wisely… 2019 is going to be the very best year of our lives b/c one by one.. we are leaving all the bad behind & moving forward and moving up and no matter what you do… you can’t stop us … the girls deserve the best & without you holding me back and holding me down.. I am finally able to start giving it to them again..
Goodnight… Goodbye &
Namaste … 😉