The TEA

Okay… I tried to keep the drama out of the holiday’s, but I know you don’t come here for my happy thoughts & semi-humble brags… so, it’s time to “spill the tea” (hopefully I’m using the new term I learned from my daughters on Christmas correctly?)

Well, a few things happened over the holidays that I’ve waited to share… the most important, is that I unintentionally spilled the tea about what happened with my brother-in-law to my daughters. I wasn’t coping with my mothers reaction very well, or the absence of my best-friend/grandfather because I felt (still feel) so betrayed that he would tell her about my book without stressing the TRUE part within it and his belief in me (which he swears he has).

So, they caught me crying alone in my room unable to talk to anyone on a rough night.. trying to come to terms with the loss of my mother… yet again.. but, this time.. with no end in sight.. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive her for what she said, “Stephanie, how many people have you slept with??… I don’t think something like That can happen to someone like… You!” Those words ripped through me with more pain than the mini-sized dick that was used to abuse me for years.

I tried to explain to her that the reason he beats the kids when they cry for me during the goodbyes, started the time they were outside my bedroom door listening to their father rape me and banging and screaming for help. However, she couldn’t hear it.. not yet. Someday, when she is away from him.. she will be able to see things more clearly.

Luckily, the girls believed me, instantly and they were just as heartbroken by her response to me. Everything made perfect sense once I explained to them all the missing pieces of their lives… why I left the hospital before meeting my newborn nephew had nothing to do with the order everyone was going and everything to do with the fact that he tried to rape me in the parking lot while my sister was in labor…. why I allowed my 22 year old boyfriend to move in with us as soon as we started dating b/c I was scared to be alone in MD.. why I was determined to move to WV as soon as possible… and why.. after the final and violent rape semi-witnessed by the babies.. George decided to stop allowing the kids to come to our house… at all for months, for what seemed, at the time, for no reason.

All of these things which seemed to have no meaning or make little sense, suddenly made perfect sense once they knew the truth… I hope at some point in the near future, my mother has a chance to step back from what she is immersed in and realize the truth as well.

George knew that I didn’t want to have a “jerry springer” family.. therefore, I would do anything to hide my own abuse just to save the family and keep everyone happy and he used this against me for years.. well, the truth is finally out and I feel so much better already. Now, I just have to finish turning the FICTIONAL version of my book (that my grandfather told my mother about) into 100% true memoir for the publishers and perhaps after thousands of people have read and believed my story, my mother will come around. In the meantime…. it feels so good to no longer be holding this secret on my shoulders alone.

What he did to me for years was bad enough… but, the last time.. with the kids listening and his hand over my throat, choking me so hard that I peed myself & was certain I was about to die was so violent and so brutal that I completely stopped having sex.. first with my fiancé (which I’m sure you can imagine w/a 25 year old fiancé sort of killed that relationship) and then… with anyone… including myself. I turned into a recluse… I stopped talking to my friends, stopped dating, stopped going out alone.. even to the store.

Now… with the truth out.. I’m slowly starting to feel more like my old self with each passing day. I’m starting to play music and dance… go out, by myself without feeling like the world is closing in… it’s ironic b/c he did tell me that if I ever told anyone, he would kill me… so, technically.. I should feel more scared… but, I don’t .. I feel better.. I’m not the bad guy here.. I didn’t deserve the years of abuse from him.. and neither do my sister or my mother.. and I pray.. with all I can muster that they will soon experience the freedom from him that the girls and I are experiencing now… and I pray that day comes soon and our family can come back together and all the kids can be reunited and happy again.

I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is a beautiful, bright and warm all-encompassing safe light tells me without a doubt that I am making the right decision and headed in the right direction for the first time in a long, long time!

2019 is going to be an amazing year.. of this, I am certain!!

Namaste & Happy New Year!

~Stephanie

Merry BEST Christmas Ever!!

No more drama in my life & this was/is the absolute best Christmas EVER!!

Santa did really well… as always =) I must’ve been a very good girl this year b/c I finally got the MacBook I need to finish my book!! The girls spoiled me this year!! AND the most important thing about this Christmas is that NOT seeing our extended family actually ended up being a blessing in disguise. Adam (the girls father) came over yesterday and we had the most chill and relaxed evening, opened presents at midnight & then had so much fun afterwards!! We may have had a little too much fun, because it’s taking me way too long to figure out what to say and how to write… I may, also, be distracted by this beautiful backlit keyboard.

I wish I could explain just how happy I am in this moment… sitting here in my cashmere PJ’s & cozy, warm new Uggs that my hard working 15 year old daughter bought me, enjoying the scent of my new orchid bath and body works candle that my college bound daughter bought me, reading over the spa menu deciding which type of massage I will schedule myself using the gift card that came with the candle typing on this super light and beautiful computer knowing that once my hangover subsides, I can finally get back to writing, turning my novel into a memoir and sending it off to the publisher. Wow, that was a long sentence and I’m not entirely sure whether it’s a run-on or not. So, perhaps I will say goodbye for now & take a much needed nap, but I will be back soon!!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a gooooood nap!!

 

Stalker!?! You tell me…. ??

Why is that I can write, on here… for nearly a year… all of this horrible stuff about myself, my life and my family and what I am going through right now & I hear absolutely nothing from the people who I actually know & are, obviously, reading this….. However, the minute I post something positive happening for me and the girls, we have an insane week of people, both near and far, coming out of the woodwork trying.. in no uncertain terms.. to ruin our forward progression!?!??

Why?? That I cannot answer… I will never know why certain people continue to try and bring us down.. however, that which I can answer is The Who, what, when … and most importantly HOW I am going to handle it this time!!?

So, let’s start with Monday.. Monday morning.. I put my pride aside and, for my daughters, I invited my mother to come celebrate Christmas Eve at our new home since the family cancelled the annual tradition of gathering because of the chaos that broke out on Easter this year, at which point.. she informed me that “someone” told her about this blog and my book & demanded that I make a public apology and say that the whole thing is a lie. When I attempted to tell her that, in fact, the man she has living in her basement (now indefinitely) had raped me and it’s the root cause of why he started the fight on Easter and why he’s keeping the kids away from me… her response… and I “shit you not” (to take one of my mother’s favorite quotes) was to say… and I quote, “stephanie, how many people have you slept with?” As if… my (consensual) sexual history could/would determine whether or not I had been or deserved to be raped… I can’t say I’m surprised by this response.. at all.. in fact.. it’s exactly how the mother responded when she finds out in the fictional version of the book.. the one I wrote before the publishers asked me to turn it into a memoir.

The only thing worse than being sexually assaulted is the blow that comes from victim blaming and shaming.. especially by family… I wish I could say that predicting her response made it sting less.. but, I’d be lying & I made a promise when my eldest was in my belly to NEVER lie… never lie to my family and never lie to my children.. I grew up in so many lies and hush, hushes that I made a vow to my children to raise them in honesty and I have kept that promise and they know that!

But… my mother.. accusing me of lying.. and/or directly insinuating that I asked for it.. . It hurts.. very badly. It is this dismissal of my abuse, when I was little, that caused me to turn my childhood trauma into repeated sexual misconduct throughout my entire adolescence.. when my mother brushed my molestation under the rug.. she told me that I deserved it.. In fact… when she blamed me for putting myself in that position in the first place.. she told me that I was asking for it to begin with.. I always thought that it was innuendo that I was receiving from her & perhaps she didn’t ever mean to convey those messages.. but.. Monday.. fucking Monday.. she told me that is exactly what she thinks of me..

She thinks I do deserve this type of abuse?? In fact, I probably asked for it.. well, fuck her.. she’s dead to me.. and considering how much we’ve moved forward in her absence this year.. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for us with her gone forever.. (or at least until she is no longer under the mental control and manipulation of the monster in her basement) only great things….. Of this, I am sure)

So, the only silver lining in this horrible … no gut wrenching moment with my mother… I finally came up with the title for my memoir

Dirty. Little. Whore.

The true story about what it’s like growing up to be a young woman in America .. how you are responsible for everything that happens to your body.. including when you are molested as a child.. causing you to become super promiscuous & then, truly taking the blame, shame and consequences when you are raped as an adult b/c.. well, when you are a slut.. you are asking for it.. am I right??

Annnnywayyyy… on to the next day… because when it rains.. it fucking pours in my life…

… because of this blog and the ONE picture I posted of my new view.. someone from my past.. obviously associated with my old landlord.. figured out where we were moving and called our new landlord to try and start that same old lie she told after we moved out… now, many of you may not know the whole story b/c at the time.. I had a PICC line in my arm and wound vac on my leg and I was so sick and tired from being forced to move So fast for absolutely No reason.. that I didn’t bother to fight the many rumors that were spiraling after our move… but, to make a long story short.. our old landlord was so obsessed with us and psychotic that she was doing everything in her power to make us look like bad people.. I mean, perhaps she was just trying NOT to look like an asshole for kicking out a sick, single mother who had paid her rent (over 1.3k a month) on time … every single month for NO reason!?! But.. the lengths she went to were INSANE!!

This woman… took all the trash bags we had loaded and put into the garage (yes.. we had to leave them in the garage b/c we had LESS than 14 days to move out of a 3 story townhome completely by ourselves) but, she took the garbage bags out of the garage.. carried them up 3 flights of stairs and dumped them all over the house just to post pictures of the house trashed & make us look bad!? The amount of extra work she gave herself just to save face.. well, it was scary to be honest.. not only that.. she started showing up at my daughters schools, randomly volunteering even though her son was a toddler and my daughters were in HS and MS.. walking around and whispering in parents ears and pointing to my daughters.. right in front of them.. making them feel scared and bullied.. by an adult.. at their own schools!?!

So… now that (more than 3 years later) she is resurfacing and trying, once again to make us look bad & prevent us from moving on.. from moving up in the world.. the girls are terrified. It may be time for a restraining order.. b/c this is crazy!!!

I’m just so grateful that our new landlord is giving us the chance to Prove that we are not the people/tenants that this woman is claiming we are, which will be easy b/c we are not… our townhome home was perfectly clean for 3 years… we had neighbors over all the time & we paid rent each and every month exactly on time!! In fact, I have an email from our old landlord written less than 30 days before she kicked us out, stating that we were “great tenants for the last 3 years.. she had never had better tenants than us” and then out of absolutely no where… probably based on rumors she had heard from my ex boyfriend and his friends.. she decided to find loopholes in the lease to quickly kick us out with no place to go and less than 14 days to do so!!

Well…

Whether our haters can accept it or not… our lives are getting better and better.. this has been an amazing year for us.. my eldest daughter graduated HS and began college.. my little one is working now and making nearly 800 bucks a month @15 years old!! And… I finished a mother-fucking BOOK… a book that helped me to heal and start to move forward again.. a book that a publisher actually wants to buy!! And… all of the aforementioned actually gave me the courage to take an amazing opportunity to move… even though the move seemed impossible with no men in our lives.. no male friends.. no family.. just me and the girls… but, guess what.. we did it.. we fucking moved to a bigger.. better home.. on a beautiful property with a family that has given us the perfect ending for this amazing year… so.. to all you haters reading this post.. suck it!! Seriously.. suck on your jealousy & bite your hate all you want.. 2018 was an amazing year for us & 2019 is going to be even better!! We’ve done all these amazing things with no support and now that I have broke my silence and started to move forward.. I can let people into my life and my heart again.. so, if we did all of this on our own.. I can only imagine what we can do with some family and friends and maybe even a partner by my side 😉

No more drama in my life… as Mary J Says so wisely… 2019 is going to be the very best year of our lives b/c one by one.. we are leaving all the bad behind & moving forward and moving up and no matter what you do… you can’t stop us … the girls deserve the best & without you holding me back and holding me down.. I am finally able to start giving it to them again..

Goodnight… Goodbye &

Namaste … 😉

New horizon…

5:37pm

Well folks… here is a picture of the sunset taken from my new bedroom window and if a picture is ordinarily worth 1,000 words.. anyone who knows me and the journey which has brought me here, knows this particular picture… this window and this view is worth more words than could possibly be written in one short blog post.

I could and perhaps will, someday, write an entire book about my journey to the west, the stunning view I had when we first moved and how we lost it and in the process almost lost everything, including my actual and literal life. I could write an entire book about the importance of gratitude and how, even when times are the darkest, there is always something worth gratitude because no matter how bad things seem at any given moment, there is always someone else that has it 100 times worse.

However, what I really want to write about right now.. during this super short moving break.. laying on my soon-to-be bedroom floor…. hidden within this sunset is the hope I feel gazing to the new horizon. These next few days, possibly even weeks are going to be very hard.. a single mom and two teenage girls… moving all by ourselves… but, hey.. we’ve done this before and last time, I was fighting a blood infection with a PICC line in my arm, fighting with my family because they were forced to help us financially due to the extreme conditions under which we were moving and I didn’t die then… so, I’m almost certain it won’t kill me this time either.

Actually, let me take that back… a part of me will die during this move… the part that must pass along, never to return is the piece of me that’s broken and stuck… I will no longer be stuck… I am currently in motion…. I am literally moving… little by little.. more and more each day and as the broken piece dies… my true self is being reborn, coming back to life and I can almost see her there.. on the other side of that horizon…

I will say goodnight now because it’s time to go get the little one from work and from there… well, I’m sure you can guess.. little attention is afforded anything but her once she gets home from a ‘hard day at work’ flipping pizzas, especially in the excitement of our adventurous days of moving.

So, I will say goodnight and tomorrow.. when I come back… I wil be more of me and less broken… as my physical self becomes tired, achy and sore.. my spiritual self is awaking once again… and it’s so nice to see her for I truly feared she was gone for good.

So… wish me a good nights sleep, the sweetest of dreams and to awaken even more energetic and productive tomorrow.

As I fall asleep tonight, I will be singing the lyrics of a song which my grandmother had the entire family memorize and sing one whacky Christmas Eve…

“Yes we can…

we can do anything…

we can do anything we believe”

Goodnight!! +)

The BIG CLEAN

2:02pm

In just 3 short hours, I have tackled donating a truck full of clothes, books and DVDs to a local second-hand shop. I cleaned out my truck and broke the seats down to fit more small furniture, dropped the little one off at work & began the BIG CLEAN.

The BIG CLEAN is that therapeutic method of cleaning which involves throwing away all which is unnecessary whilst packing. I say this method of cleaning is therapeutic because, for me, nothing feels better than letting go. Aside from moving into a bigger house, nicer neighborhood with a huge yard, the number one thing I’m excited about this move is this very process of letting go, moving forward and never looking back.

As I stated earlier today, this house has had us stuck for the last 3 years. When we moved in here, we were under the impression that it would be temporary and we would only be here for a few months max. So, we never settled here. We never took the family photos out of the boxes and hung on the walls. We never even unpacked our good dishes & have used paper and plastic. We have been stuck in this perpetual pause on our life. We’ve been waiting to move, with no where to go.

Now, we have been given this amazing opportunity to move into a house that will feel like a real home, surrounded by people that care about us. Considering the year we have had with our family and their absence, the timing couldn’t be better for this unexpected break in luck and adoption into a new “family’.

Grateful is a word I over-use and probably over-feel as well because I do try to remain constantly grateful for many things big and small. So, grateful is certainly not a big enough word to express how fortunate I feel that for the first time in 3 plus years that once again, my family is back in forward motion.

Elated, ecstatic and eternally appreciative slightly touch upon my current emotions… but, barely.

I hope my joy continues and spreads from my heart to my words, directly from me to you via reading upon our journey. By the way, I’m still writing from the old house. I am curious to see the difference and promise that even if it is mid-trip, I will write a post from there later… even if it’s a short one.

Well… back to. The BIG CLEAN… wish me luck…. again

TtySooooon -)

Just keeping MOVING!!

10:47am

“Just keep moving” is a life motto that has fueled most of my life & for the first 35 years of it, I did just that. When things were good, I would shake my ass and dance along with the music which composed my life. When things were bad, I would march along and forge a new path. If I became sad or anxious, I would run away my troubles.

However, 3 years ago I moved into a home, which we later discovered someone had recently died in and we became stuck. Stuck is not strong enough a word for what has happened to us in this home. This home, which I am sitting in whilst writing, hopefully my last meaningful post composed here, is a beacon of un-hope. The energy of this place is toxic. Thoughts become so stifled here, I may have to finish and edit this very post later from our new home, but I wanted.. no, needed to start it here. Perhaps as a test and proof of the difference between thoughts processed here and words formed there.

So, let us see… today is the first official day of moving all the small stuff. Both of my kids are working today and I am determined to prove to them and the rest of my family just how much I am capable of and how determined I am to do this thing. So, wish me luck… here I go. I can’t wait to come back later and report my success =)

Peace and namaste +)

Decided to only share the “true” chapters as I work on turning the fictional version into a memoir ;)

Chapter 10

Flabbergasted 1994

I was in shock. My mother didn’t spank us; She would proudly say to her new-age hippy friends. No, she didn’t ‘spank’ us, but when she lost her mind, which was too often, she would beat the shit out of us.

One time, I missed my softball game because I was swimming in a river with my friends. We went on a long adventure walk and discovered a river that no one knew about. It was the most exciting thing and a true treasure in our otherwise citified neighborhood. We were all pretty poor. So, aside from the few times we snuck into the local hotel pool, we didn’t get many opportunities to swim. So, when we discovered this random river after a long, hot walk, we had to take advantage of it and swim.

We were having so much fun, swinging from the rope tied to the tree jumping into the river and having the kind of adventure that defined childhoods, we simply lost track of time. When my mom drove by the field to pick me up after my softball game, she realized I wasn’t there and became worried. This was pre-cell phone era. So, she had no way of figuring out where I had been all day. All she could do was drive around and look for me, which she did for hours. In her defense, I’m sure she was worried when she couldn’t find me in the usual places I’d be on a long summer day. I’m sure she thought the worst had happened.

However, what happened when I finally strolled home sunburnt with a huge smile on my face was unexplainable, inexcusable and unforgivable. She didn’t spank me. She took me down into the basement and smacked me across the face so hard, I fell to the ground. Then, she crawled on top of me and grabbed me by the neck and pounded my head on the ground repeatedly screaming, “You scared the shit out of me… don’t you… ever… ever… ever… do that again!” Each time she said the word ‘ever’ my head would be bounced on the concrete floor.

I got the message loud and clear. Don’t ever go back to the river. Oh, yeah and my mom was a complete lunatic. In the face of possibly losing her child, she decided to regain control by attempting to kill me herself.

I spent the rest of that summer in a deep depression, wishing she had succeeded.