Okay… I tried to keep the drama out of the holiday’s, but I know you don’t come here for my happy thoughts & semi-humble brags… so, it’s time to “spill the tea” (hopefully I’m using the new term I learned from my daughters on Christmas correctly?)
Well, a few things happened over the holidays that I’ve waited to share… the most important, is that I unintentionally spilled the tea about what happened with my brother-in-law to my daughters. I wasn’t coping with my mothers reaction very well, or the absence of my best-friend/grandfather because I felt (still feel) so betrayed that he would tell her about my book without stressing the TRUE part within it and his belief in me (which he swears he has).
So, they caught me crying alone in my room unable to talk to anyone on a rough night.. trying to come to terms with the loss of my mother… yet again.. but, this time.. with no end in sight.. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive her for what she said, “Stephanie, how many people have you slept with??… I don’t think something like That can happen to someone like… You!” Those words ripped through me with more pain than the mini-sized dick that was used to abuse me for years.
I tried to explain to her that the reason he beats the kids when they cry for me during the goodbyes, started the time they were outside my bedroom door listening to their father rape me and banging and screaming for help. However, she couldn’t hear it.. not yet. Someday, when she is away from him.. she will be able to see things more clearly.
Luckily, the girls believed me, instantly and they were just as heartbroken by her response to me. Everything made perfect sense once I explained to them all the missing pieces of their lives… why I left the hospital before meeting my newborn nephew had nothing to do with the order everyone was going and everything to do with the fact that he tried to rape me in the parking lot while my sister was in labor…. why I allowed my 22 year old boyfriend to move in with us as soon as we started dating b/c I was scared to be alone in MD.. why I was determined to move to WV as soon as possible… and why.. after the final and violent rape semi-witnessed by the babies.. George decided to stop allowing the kids to come to our house… at all for months, for what seemed, at the time, for no reason.
All of these things which seemed to have no meaning or make little sense, suddenly made perfect sense once they knew the truth… I hope at some point in the near future, my mother has a chance to step back from what she is immersed in and realize the truth as well.
George knew that I didn’t want to have a “jerry springer” family.. therefore, I would do anything to hide my own abuse just to save the family and keep everyone happy and he used this against me for years.. well, the truth is finally out and I feel so much better already. Now, I just have to finish turning the FICTIONAL version of my book (that my grandfather told my mother about) into 100% true memoir for the publishers and perhaps after thousands of people have read and believed my story, my mother will come around. In the meantime…. it feels so good to no longer be holding this secret on my shoulders alone.
What he did to me for years was bad enough… but, the last time.. with the kids listening and his hand over my throat, choking me so hard that I peed myself & was certain I was about to die was so violent and so brutal that I completely stopped having sex.. first with my fiancé (which I’m sure you can imagine w/a 25 year old fiancé sort of killed that relationship) and then… with anyone… including myself. I turned into a recluse… I stopped talking to my friends, stopped dating, stopped going out alone.. even to the store.
Now… with the truth out.. I’m slowly starting to feel more like my old self with each passing day. I’m starting to play music and dance… go out, by myself without feeling like the world is closing in… it’s ironic b/c he did tell me that if I ever told anyone, he would kill me… so, technically.. I should feel more scared… but, I don’t .. I feel better.. I’m not the bad guy here.. I didn’t deserve the years of abuse from him.. and neither do my sister or my mother.. and I pray.. with all I can muster that they will soon experience the freedom from him that the girls and I are experiencing now… and I pray that day comes soon and our family can come back together and all the kids can be reunited and happy again.
I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is a beautiful, bright and warm all-encompassing safe light tells me without a doubt that I am making the right decision and headed in the right direction for the first time in a long, long time!
2019 is going to be an amazing year.. of this, I am certain!!
Namaste & Happy New Year!